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4.23.2007

Alone

Not a good day. I feel so alone. I have no one I can go to or talk to. I miss someone and there is nothing I can do about it. He knows how I feel, but I don't think it matters. I should be used to this by now. I have been dead for so long, both myself and my husband. I guess I thought I found someone that made me happy, understood me. When I'm with him everything makes sence, no doubts, no confusion. I know where I want to be, I've known for awhile now. I hate having feelings, in some ways it was much better to go along like a zombie and feel nothing. I hurt, I hate it.

I wish there was a sign, telling me what everything would or wouldn't be okay. It doesn't matter I guess. I want to be with him and I'm sitting here writing this because I have no one to talk to or go to. Nothing anyone says will make me feel better. Hearing his voice and him giving me an indication that everything will be alright will be the only thing that will help.

I just thought he got me. I thought, this is the happiness, the connection people talk about. I knew my husband and I never had that and I thought it didn't exist because I had never had that with anyone. I thought my husband was good enough. I wish I didn't feel anything, I want to shut down, run away. I love my husband, but there is no connection, he doesn't get me, he never has. We are never on the same page, I love him for everything he has done for me, for our children together. I always thought he was who I was supposed to be with because he was the closest I got to anyone be able to deal with me. I knew we were'nt soul mates or anything, but it was okay. There was no romance, no special anything he did for me. I got used to it, so many people kept telling me there wasn't supposed to be any of that.

I want love, real love. Falling yourself and spend the rest of your life with love. The romance, the fun , the spontanaity, all of it! I thought I found that, when I wasn't even looking. The person who had been in and out of my life for 19 years and I finally saw it. Everything he had been telling me and he was right. We are supposed to be together and he loves me and I love him. And I take a chance and go for it, because time goes by so fast and I didn't want to waste another minute. And nothing, it's like he changed his mind about everything. Everything he said, did, all of it. I trusted him, the only person I ever, always trusted.

Why? Why would he do this? Why not just tell me the truth if he doesn't want me anymore? I thought he did, I thought we we're on the same page. He's the only one who can make me laugh like I do and feel happy and be happy with my life and myself.

I can't deal with any of this. I'm so sad and lonely right now and I hate everything. I want to be with him so bad. Why would he do this? Why?

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