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4.23.2007

Not Much Better

Wow! I didn't think I could feel any worse than I did earlier, but amazingly I do! I keep going over everything in my head and wondering why? Why didn't he just tell me? Why wasn't he honest with me? Why would he lie to me? We've always told each other everything, why wouldn't he now? I haven't even spoken to him yet and I think all these things. I could be wrong, I keep hoping I am. I know I start thinking the worse case scenario because that's usually how everything goes for me. I know it sounds very whoa is me, but it's just the truth. When I need something more than anything else in the world it never happens. I never have that luck other people have with things, anything. I keep thinking why would he say all the things he's said if he didn't mean them? Why do that? Why bother with that? He says he's nononsence, but I feel like there is a lot of nonsence. Again, I haven't spoken with him, so I actually have no idea. Other times I've thought this and it turned out to be nothing and I was just getting upset over nothing. I keep hoping, I always have hope. I'm so lame, I keep being positive even when there's no reason to be. Ughhhh, why would he lie? I don't get that, why would he? He didn't need to, so why would he lie to me? I don't think he's evil or that heartless of a person. When I look into my heart of hearts I don't see that at all. I think he is in love with me and scared. But, I don't know if that's just because I want to believe that. When I calm down though and think it through logically that's what I see. I have this very strong urge that we are meant to be together, that there are things to overcome, but that that's where we're both supposed to be. It's like this innate feeling that I can't explain, sometimes I think he knows when I'm really upset and when I'm just overreacting. He'll text me right when I'm trully feeling like giving up and saying screw it all. This is so stupid. I have no one to talk to, so I'm blogging instead.

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