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6.19.2008

For Me

I don't know where to start. If you were sitting right here in front of me, I still wouldn't know where to start. You'll never see any of this, but I feel closer talking to you at least.

Things have been so hard lately. I'm not complaining, that's not it. Just saying, things have been hard. I know they've been hard for you too. With your business and everything. I'm so glad you applied for the police department again, that you will be doing that in March. I'm so happy for you, because you will be doing what you have always wanted to do. I want to be there, I do. To make sure that you get where you want to be. Not because I think you need my help, but because I'm so proud of you. I don't want anything to stop you or get in the way, I want to be there with you by your side. Helping you with whatever you need, making sure that anything that comes up is handled so you can continue on with the police department.

I wish you would hear me. I wish you could, I wish you would stop keeping me out and shutting yourself off to me. I can feel it. I can feel when your opening up and when you stop yourself. It hurts so much, I wish you would stop and hear me. Let me in, hear me when I say I will never hurt you again, I will never leave. I will never disappoint you again, I will always be by your side. I would never let anything come between us again. Yet, I feel like you know what you are doing, that you are pushing me to be what you know I can be. That you keep me out, to keep me striving, because I have to prove myself to you again. It still hurts though. I never wanted to hurt you and you still act the same way when I do. That has never changed, you become cold towards me and distant at times. At one time I would have done something back to hurt you, but not anymore. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to give up this time. I walked away too many times and life is too short. We've missed out on so much already, too much time has passed. But, I think your smart. I've never thought of you as just another guy. Your smarter than that. That's why I think you do know what you are doing, that you know how to handle me. It is frustrating sometimes, someone knowing me that well. But, your the only one that does, you don't let me get away with anything. It's hard, I have to be patient. When all I really want to do is hold you and kiss you and tell you I love you. My arms feel empty without you.

I miss you so much, I like you, you make me laugh, you make me smile. I like who you are, I would never want to change anything. I love you unconditionally. I will always be here. I can't give up this time, I won't. I know we are meant to be together. I wish you would be so sure like you were before. A role reversal, I'm sure and your not, weird how that happens. I know what you said, why you stopped believing, but that has never stopped you before. But, I don't think you have stopped though, I really don't. I think I know you pretty well, I think you realize that we are meant to be, but I hurt you. Your taking your time now and making me work for it. I can understand why. My gut, intuition, heart tells me to stay, to be strong and keep doing everything I'm supposed to. I wish you would follow your heart, your gut. You always have, then I think that maybe you are but now your scared of getting hurt again. I didn't fully realize how much I hurt you, what I had done. Not at first, it slowly sunk in. I feel like it's my turn to share and be in pain. Kinda sucks, not a good feeling. I'm sorry I did that to you.

I know it will all be worth it in the end. That in the end it will be the most rewarding experience. I am a hopeless romantic, deep down. Not the come save me type ending, but the two people who were always meant to be together are. It will be your best story ever. I want to hear it, I want to hear you tell people how we met and everything we went through and how long it took for us to be together. It will be your best story, the one I want to hear so bad. Your My Matthew, you have always been My Matthew, you always will be. I will always be Yours. That will never change, I have always been yours, what we both have been looking for has always been here.

I don't know what happened. I'm so sad, I miss you so much. I miss talking to you and being with you. I feel like a piece of me is missing without you. Aside from my kids, you make me want to be a better person. And I'm trying so hard. I'm trying so hard to do everything I'm supposed to. I really don't want to lose you, your My Matthew. I know with every part of my being that we are meant to me and that we are meant for one another. I wish you would see, I wish you would let yourself see. Please stop shutting me out. Please. Please let me in, it kills me when you keep me out. It kills me that I hurt you like I did, I never wanted to hurt you. You make me complete, I do believe I complete you. I feel like you stop yourself though, you put up a wall to me. I think that hurts more than anything else. Because your my best friend also, not just someone I love, but my best friend.

I hope you know I have never done anything with anyone else. I can't, I don't want to. Thinking of it feels wrong. I don't want anyone else to touch me or do anything to me. The thought of it feels like cheating. Like I would be doing something wrong, by being with someone else. I don't want anyone else. I make jokes, but I don't. Actually, I make bad jokes out of nervousness because sometimes I just want to grab you and hold you and say I love you. Sometimes I never want to let go. And I don't, because even though you have always said I can tell you everything, I don't know how far I can go or should go. So, I make dumb comments or get upset over silly things, not because I actually am upset, but because I am holding back. I guess it's my defense mechanism. I've been trying to stop doing that, I just become unsure or lose my nerve. I don't know how you would respond.

It's weird, these are things I should probably tell you and I won't. I'll keep it to myself, because I don't know if I should tell you. Some of it I have, other parts not so much. I believe, I believe in us and you. I believe with every part of my body, I've never felt like this before. This feeling of knowing and being helpless. You say I'm overly emotional and I am at times. Actually, I don't think I am all the time, but it's a huge release of letting go and telling you how I feel. I feel vulnerable, exposed, it makes me uncomfortable. I feel that way, because I don't think I can hide things from you, I think you see, you know. I know what people mean now when they say soul mates and what it's like to feel a love for someone so powerful.

I know we would do amazing things together. Everything both of us have ever wanted would happen. That things would fall into place, so to speak. I know it sounds overly romantic, even mushy. But, it's so like us, isn't it? We go through this, we make things hard, because I do think we both get scared. Achieving what we have both always wanted, achieving something that will be the best ever, it's scary. There's a standard then, something to live up to, something to lose. This is all so like us, but I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to miss out any longer. We talk, but don't say a lot. When we really talk and listen, we actually achieve a lot, solve the problem or whatever it is. I am so connected to you, heart, soul, mind, body. You make me feel like no one else. I will never find anyone who makes me feel like you do. I know you never will either. I don't say that because I am full of myself or to be mean. Just that when you have found the person who makes you feel everything and nothing and more than anyone else. The person who drives you crazy and loves you and even overwhelms you, there is no one else.

Well that's enough for now. There's always more to say. I love you so much, I miss you, My Matthew.

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