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6.09.2008

I moved out

I moved out in February and the man I love then tells me at the beginning of April it's not going to work. I feel like I am going to die. A piece of me dies daily and it is not getting any better. Each day goes by and things only feel worse instead of better. We saw each other though April and May and then stopped again. I saw him June 1st, a good start to the month. I can't handle anymore. I am still freelance writing, sometimes I feel like why bother. I know were meant to be, he's the only one. He was so sure for 20 years and then gets scared when I'm ready to make the plunge. I'm dieing, I know it, we'll all dieing I guess. But my soul is dieing daily. I have to take care of my kids and yet I can't go on sometimes. I don't want to, it hurts so bad and feels so horrible. I can't understand why God would do all this to me? Bring back the man I have loved for 20 years and then take him from me. How can I take more pain, more suffering? Why do I have to constantly be in pain? I only want and need love from one man. I know we are meant to be, I know it in every part of my being and soul. Throughout my entire self and I know this and the pain keeps happening. Keeps coming. I can't understand God, why would he do this? Why do this? Why?

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